Help & Guidance => Member Made Tutorials => Character & Roleplay Tutorials => Topic started by: Dangeryena on November 26, 2015, 06:17:43 pm
Title: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: Dangeryena on November 26, 2015, 06:17:43 pm
Greetings, all! For Thanksgiving, I have decided to give the gift of knowledge... By completely redoing this thread! It's been nearly a year, after all.
This thread is intended for users of all ages and experience levels.
Critiques are to be taken with a grain of salt. Nothing I may correct should be taken personally.
Being rude or arguing in the thread could get it taken down, so please don't. I'll ask for posts of this sort to be removed. Take it to PM if you want to argue/debate, please.
Table of Contents 1. Introduction 2. Grammar & Spelling (http://www.feral-heart.com/index.php?option=com_jfusion&Itemid=2&jfile=index.php&topic=54106.msg739362#msg739362) 3. Literary Devices (http://www.feral-heart.com/index.php?option=com_jfusion&Itemid=2&jfile=index.php&topic=54106.msg739363#msg739363) 4. Word Choice (http://www.feral-heart.com/index.php?option=com_jfusion&Itemid=2&jfile=index.php&topic=54106.msg739364#msg739364) 5. Character Development (http://www.feral-heart.com/index.php?option=com_jfusion&Itemid=2&jfile=index.php&topic=54106.msg739365#msg739365) 6. No-No's (http://www.feral-heart.com/index.php?option=com_jfusion&Itemid=2&jfile=index.php&topic=54106.msg739366#msg739366) 7. Critique Time! (http://www.feral-heart.com/index.php?option=com_jfusion&Itemid=2&jfile=index.php&topic=54106.msg739367#msg739367)
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: Dangeryena on November 26, 2015, 06:18:03 pm
Grammar & Spelling
The best place to begin is with grammar and spelling, the most basic part of writing. Here's some basic grammar vocabulary to help you out.
Noun - A person, place, or thing. Ex: Wolf, tree, star. Proper Noun - Specific name of a person, place, or thing, which is capitalized. Ex: Benjamin Franklin, Eiffel Tower, United States of America. Verb - An action word. Ex: Run, bite, hunt. Adjective - Describes a noun. Ex: Hot, scary, thirsty. Adverb - Describes a verb. Ex: Fast, quietly, there. Clause - A unit just below a sentence which contains a subject and a predicate. Subject - Part of the sentence being described. Predicate - Contains a verb and states something about the subject. Independent Clause - A unit just below a sentence which can stand alone. Ex: He was quick. No one saw. The dog was black. Dependent Clause - A unit just below a sentence which cannot stand alone and make sense. Used to add onto an independent clause. Ex: After he escaped. Longer than he intended. Where she was born. Sentence - Contains a minimum of one independent clause.
In the spoiler below is a list of common spelling and grammar mistakes and their correct forms.
Spelling
*A contraction is a word made by combining 2 existing words and putting an apostrophe (') where letters have been removed. A good way to remember how to use them is by saying the two words they're made of and seeing if it makes sense.
Its/It's
"Its" is used to show possession.
Incorrect: It's tail thumped on the ground. Correct: Its tail thumped on the ground.
"It's" is a contraction* of "it" and "is".
Incorrect: Its cold outside. Correct: It's cold outside.
Your/You're
"Your" is possessive.
Incorrect: Your not one of us. Correct: That's not yours.
"You're" is a contraction* of "you" and "are".
Incorrect: That's not you'res. Correct: You're not one of us.
Their/They're/There
"Their" is possessive.
Incorrect: She was over their. Correct: The territory was theirs.
"They're" is a contraction* of "they" and "are".
Incorrect: The territory was they'res. Correct: They're pretty rude.
"There" describes a location.
Incorrect: The territory was there's. Correct: She was over there.
Effect/Affect
"Effect" is the noun version.
Incorrect: It did not effect him. Correct: It had no effect.
"Affect" is the verb version.
Incorrect: It had no affect. Correct: It did not affect him.
Rogue/Rouge
"Rouge" means "red" in French, so...
A rogue (in animal terms) is a normally social animal that is living apart from a group, often having destructive and aggressive tendencies, like prideless male lions.
Incorrect: The rouge stalked in claimed territory. Correct: The rogue stalked in claimed territory.
Guardian/Gardian/Gaurdian
a "guardian" is a protector. The other two are common misspellings.
Incorrect: She was his gaurdian. Correct: She was his guardian.
(Not a word, but still.) A Lot/Alot
"Alot" is not a word.
"A lot" is... Well, a lot of something.
Incorrect: She had alot of food. Correct: She had a lot of food.
Comma Rules
Use a comma before an independent clause. Similarly, do not put a comma before a dependent clause. Remember, an independent clause can stand alone and make sense, while a dependent clause cannot.
Trust me, it will eventually just come naturally.
Incorrect: She liked to take her time, so walked slowly. Correct: She liked to take her time, so she walked slowly. OR She liked to take her time and so walked slowly.
Incorrect: Her fur was dense, and curly. Correct: Her fur was dense and curly.
Incorrect: As time seemed to stop her eyes widened. Correct: As time seemed to stop, her eyes widened.
If following dialogue with something along the lines of "they said", put a comma instead of a period inside of the quotation. This only applies if there would be a period.
Incorrect: "I didn't know." He said. Correct: "I didn't know," He said.
But, if you're putting the "they said" part before the dialogue and the following words don't relate to the dialogue, just end in a period.
Incorrect: He said, "I didn't know," He seemed concerned. Correct: He said, "I didn't know." He seemed concerned.
Other Quotation Rules
Punctuation goes inside of dialogue.
Incorrect: "What"? Correct: "What?"
In the case of referring to a proper noun, punctuation goes outside of the quotations, as it belongs to the entire sentence and not the proper noun.
Incorrect: Do you like "Warriors?" Correct: Do you like "Warriors"?
If putting quotations within quotations, use single quotation marks.
Incorrect: "He told me to "back off"." Correct: "He told me to 'back off'."
Quotation marks can be used to put emphasis, normally meaning the opposite of what is said.
Ex: She was "singing". He was super "funny". He was "great" at video games.
Always begin a new paragraph when there is a new speaker.
Incorrect: "What is that?" She asked. "I don't know," He replied. Correct: "What is that?" She asked.
"I don't know," He replied.
Other Rules
If a word/name ends in an "s" but you're trying to say that it possesses something (Ex: It is Sparx's thread), the apostrophe goes after the "s".
Incorrect: It was Corvus's territory. Correct: It was Corvus' territory.
The same applies if you're talking about more than one of something.
Incorrect: It was many lion's kill. Correct: It was many lions' kill.
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: Dangeryena on November 26, 2015, 06:18:15 pm
Literary Devices
Next up is literary devices. Literary devices are techniques writers use to create special effects in their writing. Below are some that you'd be using in roleplaying.
Metaphor - A comparison of two unlike things. Ex: She was a whale. He had the neck of a giraffe. She was his sunshine. Simile - A metaphor using "like" or "as". Ex: She was as big as a whale. Her fur was like silk. Her eyes were like ice in their coldness. Personification - Giving human traits to a non-human thing. Ex: The sun climbed up the horizon. The fog crawled across the ground. The flowers danced in the wind. Imagery - visually descriptive or figurative language that creates a clear image in the reader's mind. Ex: The crystal clear, cascading waterfall tumbled down the jagged rocks. Alliteration - Repetition of a letter or sound at the beginning of words in close proximity. Ex: Crystal clear, cascading waterfalls. Dumbfounded, drooling dogs. Trees tumbling towards town. Hyperbole - An over-exaggeration. May also be a metaphor or simile. Ex: Her tail was as long as a snake. Her ears were the size of mountains. Her eyes turned the size of moons. Onomatopoeia - A word created from the sound it describes. Ex: Bang, sizzle, splash. Idiom - A figure of speech whose meaning is not to be taken literally. Ex: He has a screw loose. Have you lost your marbles? It's raining cats and dogs.
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: Dangeryena on November 26, 2015, 06:18:26 pm
Word Choice
Now, this is where things may get a lil' dicey, because it's opinion time. Please do not take offense, as I am not down-talking anyone, but rather stating my opinion and providing an alternative which I think is better, especially because I have seen a lot of wolfspeak users say that they don't know a better way to write. I am doing this largely for them as well as those who just generally struggle in writing. I want to help!
Repeating this here: Being rude (like making fun of those who wolfspeak) or arguing in the thread could get it taken down, so please don't. I'll ask for posts of this sort to be removed. Take it to PM if you want to argue/debate, please.
It's essential to mix up your usage of words (and sentence structure) to prevent your posts from getting repetitive and bland. I believe it's for this reason that people wolfspeak outside of Wolfquest, where everyday words are very limited. From what I have heard users of wolfspeak say, they don't want their posts to be too bland, and using large, fancy-sounding words spices up posts and makes them prettier. Not for me, but for some.
My issue comes in with the fact that:
- These words are being used in a way that is either grammatically incorrect or impractical for use in writing, like anatomical/taxonomical terms which are Latin and only used in their respected branches of science, not casual use. It makes it hard to visualize what you mean when you use those. - Wolfspeak encourages a focus on switching up words and not other great literary devices which may leave posts seeming lackluster. - A lot of people who wolfspeak use these words because they don't even know their true meanings (as has been the case with the more inappropriate ones), and that's not good in my eyes. - Also, it looks silly.
This is not to say that I look down on or dislike anyone for wolfspeaking, I just disagree with using it. Would kinda like for people to stop using it, to be honest, and that's for the simple reason of... I don't think it's being a good writer, as many think it is. You can call it a style of writing, but that doesn't make it any less of a bad habit in my eyes.
My opinion in a nutshell is that if you want to be a really good writer, using a thesaurus to replace perfectly fine words with complex, unfitting ones is not the way to go. You are making it it difficult to picture what you are trying to describe, and the entire point of writing is to describe a situation. Pretty contradictory, if you ask me.
BUT HEY, if you're just casual about roleplaying or whatever and still wanna use it, I don't care. It doesn't hurt me or anything, I just think it looks silly and that your posts would look better without it. To be honest, wolfspeak is pretty fun to mess around with, though I don't use it seriously. I just want to give an alternative to those who do want to improve their writing by giving an alternative.
Instead of wolfspeak, I encourage the use of literary devices and words that make sense in that scenario depending on the mood. There are plenty of other options that talented writers use, mainly the literary devices I listed earlier. I'll list some examples of beautiful posts below that don't require wolfspeak to sound fancy.
Wolfspeak version: The condensations northward formed an ebon hue upon the lifeforms inferior to them. If Corvus truly must have been conscious whilst the hours remained diurnal, this was the only forecast the masculine would appreciatively partake in. His amber occuli turned skywards in inaudible indebtedness for this glorious day.
Non-wolfspeak version: The clouds above had formed a blanket of darkness, blocking the light from the creatures below. Everything appeared as if the color had been sucked out of it. Since Corvus could only be forced to be up during the day, though, this was the only weather he could enjoy. His fiery gaze was cast upwards in silent gratefulness for the overcast.
The first seemed very over-the top and took much longer to process due to the large words, to me. I used metaphor, simile, and adjectives to spice up my post.
Wolfspeak version: The lass' sleek fleece was a stunning azure-gray hue, dotted with rhythmic spots. She was small-framed, though she adorned long columns compared to the entirety of her form. Her icy pools bore into one's very soul, aided by her angular features. Parting her mandible to vocalize, her cords reverberated in a soothing, melodic fashion. "Going without me?" The lass jested, entering a trot gait to catch up to the large brute, silken banner swaying this way and that as she locomoted.
Non-wolfspeak version: Celeste's sleek coat was a shimmering blue-gray, like the sky just before a storm. It was dotted in patterned spots, giving her an even more regal look. She was small, but her stilt-like legs made her appear much taller and slim. Her icy blue gaze bore into one's very core, able to pluck the most valuable of information from one's lips. This was aided by aristocratic, angular features, her snout thin and perfectly straight. As she parted her lips to speak, it sounded as if a melody was performed. "Going without me?" Celeste toyed, graciously trotting upon slender legs to catch up to the towering male, long, silk-like tail swaying behind her as she walked.
See how much more detail I put in the second version and how much more you learned about her? This is because I was focused on describing Celeste in ways other than simply replacing words with "fancier" ones. I used similes, metaphors, adjectives, and adverbs to accomplish this.
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: Dangeryena on November 26, 2015, 06:18:46 pm
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: Dangeryena on November 26, 2015, 06:18:52 pm
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: Dangeryena on November 26, 2015, 06:19:00 pm
Critique Time!
Here we are at last! Want me to critique your writing skills? Your character? Both? Sure thing! Just fill out the appropriate forms below.
Please delete what is in the curly brackets, (these -> {}) and type outside of the bold (these, minus the *'s [b*] [/b*]). For the Writing Critique Form, you can put N/A for "Characters Involved" if you're just practicing imagery.
[size=12pt] [b]Character Name:[/b] [b]Gender:[/b] [b]Age:[/b] [b]Species:[/b] [b]Sexuality:[/b] [b]Appearance {image preferred, but description is ok if necessary}:[/b] [b]Personality:[/b] [b]Backstory {optional}:[/b] [b]Other:[/b] [/size]
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: Dangeryena on November 28, 2015, 12:32:06 am
Reserved spot - Just in case!
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: Dangeryena on November 28, 2015, 01:52:43 am
We're finally open for business! -cuts ribbon before passing out from exhaustion-
But yes, I'm finally finished! Feel free to post feedback and/or some forms for me to get crackin' on!
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: yourlocalcrow on November 29, 2015, 06:50:21 pm
Writing Critique Form
Characters involved: Alcor, Sam Setting: Temple of Dreams Basic Overview of Sample: Alcor and Sam are chatting, due to Alcor being bored out of his mind. Any Specific Advice You Want?: I just want to know how I can improve as a roleplayer. Anything Else?: Sample: Alcor sighed, putting the fire in his palm out as he leaned against the pillar of the temple. He realized how ironic it was that he had been summoned in a temple dedicated to dreams, and that he was a dream demon. Since it seemed that no one needed him, he picked his head up from staring at the ground to that healer girl Sam. The demon had no clue why she was still around, or why the General hadn't moved her station. The two didn't exactly get along that well. "So," Alcor began, voice flat with boredom, "do mortals keep in touch with their family, once they go to live on their own?" Sam shrugged, turning away from the sniper she was pointing at the field to face the dream demon, "Yeah, most. Some people don't, though. Did you?" Alcor was caught off guard by that question, eyes widening for a split second. "My family?" he inquired, as if trying to confirm that was what she was asking about. As Sam rolled her eyes, he suppressed all the memories that flooded forth. "My family's all dead. . . how could I?" As his eyes misted, he turned his head away. He couldn't let anyone know, couldn't even hint, that he had any weaknesses. Couldn't afford to be exploited. Sam must've taken it the wrong way. "Tch, did you kill them, ya bastard?" He glared at Sam. "Oh, you really think I'm that shallow?" he growled, "You really think I'd kill my own kin?" His eyes went from emotional to narrowing with anger as he stood up straight, tightly gripping his decorative cane in an effort to restrain himself from turning this woman inside-out. "Yeah, it wouldn't surprise me." "Well shut the hell up, because you don't know the smallest bit about me," he spat out between clenched teeth, nails digging into his palms through his gloves. His eyes were literally burning, blue flame floating away from them like inverted tears. "I'm not going to take orders from some demon with anger issues, so I'll say whatever the hell I want." "I said, shut up!" As Alcor yelled, his entire body was engulfed in blue flame, "Just shut up! You don't know ****, so just stop running your mouth!" Sam turned to see what the loud whoosh sound had come from, eyes widening to see that Alcor was, quite literally, fuming. She turned back to the sniper, and her job, shooting a hellhound that was in the vicinity.
Character Critique Form
Character Name: Alcor Gender: Male Age: 32 Species: Humanoid Dream Demon Sexuality: Aromantic Appearance: (http://pre00.deviantart.net/25d7/th/pre/f/2015/329/3/f/alcor_by_chinchilla3232-d9i0rxe.jpg) Personality: Rude, borderline insane, easy to anger(with certain topics), kind towards minors, extremely protective of those close to him, childish/immature, power hungry Backstory: When on vacation in Oregon at the age of 12, a dream demon tried to posses him without a contract, but only succeeded at making him a dream demon. Only his twin sister could interact with him, and he felt guilty that he never got to have a family as he watched his sister raise one. When she died of cancer, he slowly went insane over the course of a year, receding into the Mindscape and away from the rest of world. He never forgot the injustice of how he became a demon, and would still do anything for a child that summoned him or made a contract with him. However, he is rude towards adult summoners, only making contracts for them to gain enough power one day to be in the physical world without being summoned. Other: -Reads minds -Enters people's dreams -Creating anything with a snap of his fingers -Omnipotent sight -Can summon blue fire into palms-- entire body engulfs in blue flame when angry -Turns people's dreams into nightmares when bored
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: Dangeryena on November 29, 2015, 09:37:27 pm
Overall, I think you're quite skilled at writing as well as fleshing out characters. c: I do have a couple of minor things to point out, though.
Writing Critique
Firstly, when starting a new paragraph (including when you change speakers), you should put another space in-between them. It looks less convoluted that way.
Sam shrugged, turning away from the sniper she was pointing at the field to face the dream demon, "Yeah, most. Some people don't, though. Did you?"
The comma after "demon" should be a period, as it's unrelated to the dialogue. You'd use a comma if you had put something like "... to face the dream demon, answering with, -dialogue here-". I think it'd be better to put something either before or after the dialogue mentioning that Sam said it.
"My family?" he inquired, as if trying to confirm that was what she was asking about.
Again, no comma should go after "inquired" since the following clause is dependent, so it cannot stand alone.
Now, this gets a little tricky. It's definitely not correct to use only one "that" in that context. It would be correct to say, "that that was what she was asking about," but most agree that it doesn't sound too nice (I just avoided using it, ha). You could perhaps say, "... as if trying to confirm what she had just asked."
Although I pointed all of that out, I'm actually not sure why you said "as if" he were trying to confirm what she said. Is that not precisely what he was doing?
He couldn't let anyone know, couldn't even hint, that he had any weaknesses. Couldn't afford to be exploited.
I know for sure that there shouldn't be a comma after "hint" for the same reason I've said before. I'm not a master of grammar, but I'm fairly certain that "couldn't even hint" is dependent, as well. "Couldn't afford to be exploited" should definitely have "He" in front of it.
I'd reword that whole sentence to something like, "He couldn't let anyone know or even hint at him possessing any kind of weakness. He could not afford to be exploited." I recommend saying "could not" instead of "couldn't" since it puts more emphasis on the "not", as it's no casual matter to him.
She turned back to the sniper, and her job, shooting a hellhound that was in the vicinity.
No comma before the "and". Also, I found her reaction quite odd, as all of my attention would be towards the flaming demon before me. I would've probably said that Sam missed the hellhound due to being distracted at that moment, later to find that out by being notified via walkie-talkie or something. Then the two could continue to bicker, now over that matter.
Character Critique
Since the only name provided is "Alcor" (and he was once human), I have to ask if that is his true name. I can assume that it is, but then what is his last name?
I like that he clearly has a lot of flaws. That's good. However, I would further define "borderline insane" as well as how it developed over time, if possible. Insanity comes in many different forms. Does he have more positive traits or at least things he's good at, like manipulation?
He has a very interesting and unique backstory. I have no complaints about the story itself. Again, it's only minor things.
a dream demon tried to posses him without a contract, but only succeeded at making him a dream demon.
How does that have the possibility to turn humans into demons in this universe? What happened to the demon? I would explain that process more. Also, "possess" has another "s" at the end.
However, he is rude towards adult summoners, only making contracts for them to gain enough power one day to be in the physical world without being summoned.
Why is he rude to adults? I can assume it's to feel less guilty so that he can eventually enter the physical world by will, but you certainly don't want people assuming details about your character.
No comma before the "and" unless you were to say, "and he would".
As for his powers, all seem fine except perhaps the "omnipotent sight". That's a big power to have, and when you give a character big-deal powers like that, you want to be careful. When giving a character a huge power, you should ask yourself, "Do they need this? Why? Does this give them an unfair advantage or make them too powerful?" If you find it justifiable and not too overpowered, then you should be good to go. Asking others for opinions is always a good idea, as well.
The fire power sort of stands out from the rest, and I wonder just a bit why Alcor has that power since it has nothing to do with dreams. The power in itself isn't bad or overpowered, but I just wonder why it's there.
Well, that's it! c; Feel free to ask further questions.
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: yourlocalcrow on November 30, 2015, 12:32:36 am
Thank you for your input on my sample!
To answer your questions about Alcor, his true name is actually Domanic "Dipper" Pines.
"Borderline insane", as I would define it, means being extremely strange and doing things that make no sense, such as turning someone inside-out simply because they made him mad. Another definition could be acting quite reckless without thinking through one's actions, for example simply spitting out an insult without thinking or getting extremely defensive to the point of violence. He became insane because, after the death of his sister, he had no one to remind him what was morally acceptable, and he gave in to the instincts of being a dream demon, but kept only a few morals such as "stealing is wrong".
He is also good at manipulation, since he can see others' minds and what their weaknesses are. Another positive trait of his is that he can be quite entertaining to talk to-- he literally has access to every single person's memories on Earth, so he always has a new story to tell if anyone wants to hear.
"The Mindscape" is another dimension, and I would describe it as a place where Alcor and other dream demons can look through a library of sorts of people's minds. It's where he can do almost anything, but his powers are more restricted in the physical world, such as only being able to sustain something he's snapped into the physical world for a few seconds.
The demon, when it tried to possess him without a contract, broke a rule, and he fused with Dipper. The other demon died, but he gave Dipper some of his powers. The powers he donated were omnipotent sight and spawning blue fire in his palms, which is why he has the power of blue fire. I know it doesn't make much sense for him to have it, but the demon who gave it to him was a more chaotic dream demon, and hence had a bit more reason to have the power of fire than Alcor.
Alcor's rude to adults because when he followed his sister home after their vacation and possessed one of his friends to tell his parents what happened, they freaked out and suggested a therapist to the friend's parents. This made the impression on Alcor that adults would never understand and made little of serious situations relating to supernatural like his, and grew increasingly resentful of all figures older than him, and when his sister died he became straight up rude to anyone that's 20 or older simply because of the one incident.
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: Dangeryena on November 30, 2015, 01:02:27 am
Oh, he's Dipper Pines? Lmao, well that was unexpected. That makes everything even more interesting (though I'm not super into the show).
Very well thought-out! It's a neat idea and I'm glad I know the details. I'd say he's a great character. c:
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: yourlocalcrow on December 01, 2015, 10:32:42 pm
Oh, he's Dipper Pines? Lmao, well that was unexpected. That makes everything even more interesting (though I'm not super into the show).
Very well thought-out! It's a neat idea and I'm glad I know the details. I'd say he's a great character. c:
Yeah, he's a character from the AU Transcendence, just roleplaying him as he's just too awesome to not. ^^ Thank you!
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: PoisonIVy12 on December 15, 2015, 11:45:03 pm
This isn't so much a roleplay writing critique as it is a general writing/character critique.
Writing Critique Form
Characters involved: David Archer, Dr. Cooper, Lilian Cartigan Setting: Nodol, Nobania. 1871. (see character form first!) Dr. Cooper's house. Basic Overview of Sample: David meets Dr. Cooper for the first time and finds something he does not expect. Any Specific Advice You Want?: Not really. Anything Else?: Yeah. Though the sample is from David's point of view, the true main character of the Inventor series is Dr. Cooper. I also use a bit of dialect within the dialogue (e.g. Lilian's "'s" and David's use of the word "me"--- you'll see what I mean when you get there). Sample: David followed the young lady up the winding staircase of the house and over to a door. Lilian knocked on the door. "Doctor," she called.
"Yes, Lilian, what is it?" asked a sharp, edgy voice from within the room.
"Your new apprentice is here, sir," said Lilian.
"Ah!" exclaimed the voice, now edged with excitement. David heard a metal CLANK hit the floor, then more clanks following in a steady rhythm. They grew closer and closer to the door.
David must have paled, for Lilian whispered to him, "It's OK, David. 'S only the doctor's cane."
The doorknob rattled and David jumped. The door opened. Standing before the two was a tall, thin man with strikingly orange hair. He looked much younger than David had expected.
His eyes were wild-looking and an electric blue color, though one eye--- the right one--- was covered in some sort of a milky glaze. He had a rather angular, somewhat prominant chin and a sharp jawline. Freckles dotted his cheeks, nosebridge, and forearms. His hands looked strong and calloused. He was wearing a loose black bow tie, a dark purple vest, and a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up. His trousers were a dark gold color and his boots were black with golden lacing.
In the man's right hand was the strangest-looking cane David had ever seen. The base looked heavy and was made of metal, likely of brass or bronze. The center of the cane was sturdy and wooden. The handle was an intricate design of polished bone. It was shaped in the typical crook form of a cane's handle, but it ended in a clawlike protrusion.
Smiling brightly, Dr. Cooper invited David into his study and kindly thanked Lilian for bringing him in. David received an introduction and a hearty handshake, then he got a seat and was questioned if he wanted any tea.
"Um... sure," said David, his head still spinning. from what he'd heard, Dr. Cooper was a "reclusive old badger". But here that same doctor was, grinning and offering him tea. Not to mention the man wasn't old at all! Granted, he was not young, per say. He was certainly older than 22-year-old David by quite some years. Ten, at least, but no more than fifteen.
Dr. Cooper poured two cups of tea, one for David and one for himself. He kindly dismissed Lilian, who shut the door behind her.
The doctor sat down in the chair opposite David's. Ice blue eyes met chocolate brown. "So, it's just you and me now," said Cooper, leaning back and professionally sipping his tea. "If you're going to be my apprentice, there are a few things I need to know about you."
He paused to clear his throat. "All right then. Your name is David Archer, correct?" David nodded. "Son of Cyril Archer?" David nodded again. "Do you love your dad?"
"What do you hope to achieve by asking me these questions?" asked David.
"Just... answer the question," urged the doctor, waving his hand impatiently.
David sighed. "Of course I love me dad. We don't always agree, but I do love him," he said.
Cooper nodded thoughtfully. "All right... good. How did you feel when I asked you to come here?" he questioned.
"I don't know," said David. "Excited. Apprehensive. A little unsure."
"But you came," said Dr. Cooper.
"How could I refuse?" asked David. "An official letter from a doctor asking me to become his apprentice? I take my chances."
Now Cooper's eyes became more intense. He leaned forward. David briefly wondered if he'd picked the wrong words. "Now then, David," the doctor began in a gravelly whisper, "what do you know of the practises of medicine?"
Though unnerved by Cooper's sudden change of demeanor, David calmly began to explain that he didn't know very much on the subject. "I'd be willing to learn, though," he finished.
Dr. Cooper's mouth was set in a thoughtful frown, his friendliness seemingly vanished. "You would be?" he questioned. David nodded. Cooper's intense gaze remained fixed on the younger man. He took a long, final sip of his tea. "How are you with new or different things?" he asked.
"Fairly dubious, but I give them a chance," answered David.
Something softened in the doctor's eyes. He set down the empty tea cup on the side table and rose to his feet. "All right, then," he said. "Stay here for a few minutes while I talk to Lilian." He took his cane and clanked off toward the door.
Character Critique Form
Character Name: Dr. Henry Cooper/ the Watchkeeper Gender: Male Age: Varies over the series; so I'll go with his age in his first appearance, 35. Species: Human Sexuality: Straight Appearance: (http://wolfkid27.weebly.com/uploads/1/5/0/0/15007140/302302_orig.jpg) Personality: Eccentric, introverted, intelligent, and a bit of a "mad doctor" type, though I would not consider him to be "mad". He's a private man but he loves to show off his inventions with over-the-top enthusiasm. While he maintains a face of keeping away from the world and dislikes being around people, he has a heart for people and wants to help however he can. His heart is hindered by his inborn reclusiveness, however, and his enthusiasm is hampered by the--- shall I say--- disenthusiasm of the Nobanian Council (the city's local government), who think him a madman and who refuse to grant him a patent for any invention he presents before them. He's a bit troubled by his past and by other issues in his life. He is high-energy (except when depressed) and would today be considered ADHD. Though not an alcoholic, Cooper drinks a small amount of absinthe as a way to calm himself, and drinks more of it when he's especially troubled... which actually troubles him more, so goodness knows he only does it to hide from reality. This character is so detailed in my mind it's hard to get everything done in a limited paragraph... But you get the picture. He also suffers from moodswings so people are pretty on-edge around him, typically. Backstory: Henry Cooper was born in a 19th-century parallel of England called Nobania (as this is my own alternate earth). His father went MIA during a war when Henry was just a year old, and was presumed dead. Henry was raised by his mother, who struggled to keep them both supplied with food and clothing. His mother was tragically killed shortly after Henry's 12th birthday (during his birthday surprise, sadly) and he lived in an orphanage for the rest of his adolescence. Though shy before, he only sunk deeper into himself throughout his time there. While his experience at the orphanage was not the best for him, he discovered there what he truly loved doing: inventing. He drew many designs for all sorts of interesting devices, and worked on his devices when he could, but he never truly had the resources to actually implement his designs. When he was twenty, he bought his own home and got a job working for the metalsmith William Chester. He worked under Chester's rough mentorship for four years, during which he was injured due to his own clumsiness. This gave him a permanent limp and blinded him in one eye. The injury depressed Cooper at first, but he picked himself up and kept going, using his mechanical genius to fix up his cane so it would carry him better. He also lost his former clumsiness and became strong. After Chester's hard temper and drunken shout-a-thons became too much for Cooper, he left and embarked on a quest to start his own career--- a career in inventing, naturally. Now having the resources and skills to create his own inventions, he did just that. Where he got his title, "Doctor", is a mystery. Knowing him, he probably started calling himself that, or it may have been a nickname from Chester. I've yet to decide. Other: He has another identity set here in the present, due to his experiments with time travel later in life. That's the Watchkeeper. Legend has it that those who are confronted by the Watchkeeper have their lives forever changed for the good, but those who confront the Watchkeeper are haunted by his memory forever. Of course, that's just the legend that sprang up from his time traveling--- though there is truth to the legend. When he got stuck in our present time period after a malfunction in his Time Watch, he found himself stuck in between reality and the space-time continuum, giving him some strange abilities, such as being able to see a person's past and future.
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: Legendary~Grace on November 21, 2016, 02:04:38 pm
The amount of detail, effort, and intelligence shown in this thread is absoulutely astonishing to me. Not to mention how thourouh your critiques are. You did a wonderful job!
I don't normally butt in to member made threads, but seeing how knowledgeable you were, I decided to give this thread a try. I am curious if you'd be willing to critque my writing and character. I'm not sure if you'd be willing to critque a wolf character. It seems the only characters you've critiqued are humans. I'm not sure if I missed the memo, but if you'd be willing to give me a shot, that'd be great.
That being said, I'd just like to state that for role play reasons, my character and behavior in roleplay is not 100% realistic. I hope that's alright.
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: forks on December 17, 2016, 01:35:07 am
Characters involved: I'm going to use Sorrelberry, my warrior OC. Setting: A forest Basic Overview of Sample: She's out hunting! Any Specific Advice You Want?: I'd just like to know how I can improve as a writer! Anything Else?: This is an amazing thread you have here, I'm very impressed. Sorry my post is small, I'm a little rushed at the moment ~ Sample: Sorrelberry trotted through the forest, relishing the feeling of the cool grass, which was still wet with morning dew, against the tender, pink pads of her paws. Her maw was slightly parted, allowing the scents of the forest to fill her. It was not long before she caught the scent of a small mouse, and she instinctively shrank down to the forest floor, her tail barely brushing the ground. Without any noise, she slid forward, her eyes fixed on the quivering brown body of the mouse as it chewed on a nut, oblivious to her. As Sorrelberry neared a few mouse-lengths away from her target, she sprang, grasping the creature with her claws and giving it a swift bite to the neck.[/size]
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: Nak3dAng3l on December 17, 2016, 02:14:54 am
It seems like the sentences in whole are disjointed. Some are incredibly and overly long, while others are terribly short where more detail could be put into it. I'd recommend when role playing to check if there is an even amount of commas, or you are over the limit of the normal amount within a sentence. As a poet, the flow feels off for it- something that comes from excessive reading and poem-creation.
"her tail barely brushing the ground." An example of an elongated sentence split up by an unnecessary comma. It feels like you are trying to create suspense here, but without a verb the clause is dependent and should not be on its' own.
"she sprang" An example of a clause done right. Although the clause is very short- the only two words being a subject and a verb, it is an independent clause and grammatically correct.
A few tips while you wait for your official critique.
Title: Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
Post by: amythealpha on December 19, 2016, 12:04:04 am
Just wondering this for my character :3 Character Name: Eon (Nicknames: Neo, Mallow) Gender: Male Age: He's quite young in human years, though his species ages incredibly fast in their early years, but slows down the older they are, if that makes sense. Species: Heck if I know. Some sort of fantasy hybrid. Sexuality: Straight (I think? Honestly it hasn't really come up yet, he's never really shown any romantic interest in anyone yet, and he's too young to take a mate) Appearance {image preferred, but description is ok if necessary}: http://hummingkitten.deviantart.com/art/Feral-Heart-Preset-Personal-Preset-1-637509757 Here's his preset Personality: Eon is quite timid and pacifist, avoiding a fight whenever possible. He's way too forgiving, willing to forgive almost anyone who does him wrong. He's cautious if you're a stranger, but is quick to make friends (or at least try too). Eon is quite playful and he loves to run around. Despite having wings and being more than old enough to learn how to fly, he's TERRIBLE at it. His wings are too big for his body, which makes taking off look rather clumsy and dumb. He can use magic in theory, but he doesn't know what his magic is yet. He tries to act cool and tough around his friends, and he thinks he does a good job, but he's not fooling anyone. Eon finds the sky fascinating, and he wonders if anyone lives in the sky. He even theorizes that the sky is hiding something, like a city or a race never seen before. Of course, this is just his imagination, he has no clue if this may be true or not, but he wants to control his flight so he can attempt to find out one day. Backstory {optional}: At the age of at probably about a week old (remember, his species' aging process is quite unusual, so he'd be able to see, hear, run, eat solid foods, and event hunt small land animals at this age), his two older brothers brought him to the land of Yugere. (Creatures of Yugere. Heard of it? It's an awesome RP ^^) More specifically, the Second Realm of Yugere, where the dragons reside. Eon is part dragon, so his brothers figured he'd fit in well. They left Eon in a place they deemed safe, with food and water so he could have supplies to survive on his own while he learned his new life. It's unknown why his brothers left, Eon can't remember. What Eon does remember, though, is that his brothers loved him, and it was their last resort to leave him there. Yet, sometimes, Eon can't help but wonder... is his memory the truth, or is it his forgiving and optimistic nature twisting his thoughts? Eon doesn't remember his parents basically at all, but he knows his parents were hybrids. One parent was a blue dragon hybrid, and the other parent was a hybrid of many creatures with Eon's colors. He doesn't remember what they acted like at all, he just remembers his brothers. Other: [/size]