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Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!

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Legendary~Grace:
The amount of detail, effort, and intelligence shown in this thread is absoulutely astonishing to me. Not to mention how thourouh your critiques are. You did a wonderful job!

I don't normally butt in to member made threads, but seeing how knowledgeable you were, I decided to give this thread a try. I am curious if you'd be willing to critque my writing and character. I'm not sure if you'd be willing to critque a wolf character. It seems the only characters you've critiqued are humans. I'm not sure if I missed the memo, but if you'd be willing to give me a shot, that'd be great.

That being said, I'd just like to state that for role play reasons, my character and behavior in roleplay is not 100% realistic. I hope that's alright.

forks:
Characters involved: I'm going to use Sorrelberry, my warrior OC.
Setting: A forest
Basic Overview of Sample: She's out hunting!
Any Specific Advice You Want?: I'd just like to know how I can improve as a writer!
Anything Else?: This is an amazing thread you have here, I'm very impressed. Sorry my post is small, I'm a little rushed at the moment ~
Sample: Sorrelberry trotted through the forest, relishing the feeling of the cool grass, which was still wet with morning dew, against the tender, pink pads of her paws. Her maw was slightly parted, allowing the scents of the forest to fill her. It was not long before she caught the scent of a small mouse, and she instinctively shrank down to the forest floor, her tail barely brushing the ground. Without any noise, she slid forward, her eyes fixed on the quivering brown body of the mouse as it chewed on a nut, oblivious to her. As Sorrelberry neared a few mouse-lengths away from her target, she sprang, grasping the creature with her claws and giving it a swift bite to the neck.[/size]

Nak3dAng3l:

--- Quote from: clemson99999 on December 17, 2016, 01:35:07 am ---

--- End quote ---

It seems like the sentences in whole are disjointed. Some are incredibly and overly long, while others are terribly short where more detail could be put into it.
I'd recommend when role playing to check if there is an even amount of commas, or you are over the limit of the normal amount within a sentence. As a poet, the flow feels off for it- something that comes from excessive reading and poem-creation.

"her tail barely brushing the ground." An example of an elongated sentence split up by an unnecessary comma. It feels like you are trying to create suspense here, but without a verb the clause is dependent and should not be on its' own.

"she sprang" An example of a clause done right. Although the clause is very short- the only two words being a subject and a verb, it is an independent clause and grammatically correct.

A few tips while you wait for your official critique.

amythealpha:
Just wondering this for my character :3
Character Name: Eon (Nicknames: Neo, Mallow)
Gender: Male
Age: He's quite young in human years, though his species ages incredibly fast in their early years, but slows down the older they are, if that makes sense.
Species: Heck if I know. Some sort of fantasy hybrid.
Sexuality: Straight (I think? Honestly it hasn't really come up yet, he's never really shown any romantic interest in anyone yet, and he's too young to take a mate)
Appearance {image preferred, but description is ok if necessary}: http://hummingkitten.deviantart.com/art/Feral-Heart-Preset-Personal-Preset-1-637509757 Here's his preset
Personality: Eon is quite timid and pacifist, avoiding a fight whenever possible. He's way too forgiving, willing to forgive almost anyone who does him wrong. He's cautious if you're a stranger, but is quick to make friends (or at least try too). Eon is quite playful and he loves to run around. Despite having wings and being more than old enough to learn how to fly, he's TERRIBLE at it. His wings are too big for his body, which makes taking off look rather clumsy and dumb. He can use magic in theory, but he doesn't know what his magic is yet. He tries to act cool and tough around his friends, and he thinks he does a good job, but he's not fooling anyone. Eon finds the sky fascinating, and he wonders if anyone lives in the sky. He even theorizes that the sky is hiding something, like a city or a race never seen before. Of course, this is just his imagination, he has no clue if this may be true or not, but he wants to control his flight so he can attempt to find out one day.
Backstory {optional}: At the age of at probably about a week old (remember, his species' aging process is quite unusual, so he'd be able to see, hear, run, eat solid foods, and event hunt small land animals at this age), his two older brothers brought him to the land of Yugere. (Creatures of Yugere. Heard of it? It's an awesome RP ^^) More specifically, the Second Realm of Yugere, where the dragons reside. Eon is part dragon, so his brothers figured he'd fit in well. They left Eon in a place they deemed safe, with food and water so he could have supplies to survive on his own while he learned his new life. It's unknown why his brothers left, Eon can't remember. What Eon does remember, though, is that his brothers loved him, and it was their last resort to leave him there. Yet, sometimes, Eon can't help but wonder... is his memory the truth, or is it his forgiving and optimistic nature twisting his thoughts? Eon doesn't remember his parents basically at all, but he knows his parents were hybrids. One parent was a blue dragon hybrid, and the other parent was a hybrid of many creatures with Eon's colors. He doesn't remember what they acted like at all, he just remembers his brothers.
Other:
[/size]

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