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25
Forum Discussion / Re: People you have met on FH
« on: December 04, 2015, 08:28:14 pm »I've been in many communities across the internet, yet my closest friends I have met are from FH or because of FH.
My dearest friend is SonicEmoTeam (now Nefadozone) whom I met in good ol' 2011. I've never felt so close to someone and especially with how few friends I have, I truly value that friendship. I wouldn't have met Gem if I didn't join FH and follow Sonic to moderate Impressive Elements, so thanks for that as well, FH. Gem is the most selfless, caring person I know and I'm so glad I know her.
I don't even remember when I met Hooli, but we met years ago and didn't speak much until this year, but I'm glad we have. Hooli is super mature and helpful yet also hilarious, and so are her friends.
There are a ton of other people I've met who have come and gone, or perhaps we just don't talk much anymore. I still love ya. But either way, I'm glad that I've spent so much time on this rag-tag game, because I've met a lot of wonderful people that I could not have found anywhere else. Perhaps that's what keeps me coming back.
My dearest friend is SonicEmoTeam (now Nefadozone) whom I met in good ol' 2011. I've never felt so close to someone and especially with how few friends I have, I truly value that friendship. I wouldn't have met Gem if I didn't join FH and follow Sonic to moderate Impressive Elements, so thanks for that as well, FH. Gem is the most selfless, caring person I know and I'm so glad I know her.
I don't even remember when I met Hooli, but we met years ago and didn't speak much until this year, but I'm glad we have. Hooli is super mature and helpful yet also hilarious, and so are her friends.
There are a ton of other people I've met who have come and gone, or perhaps we just don't talk much anymore. I still love ya. But either way, I'm glad that I've spent so much time on this rag-tag game, because I've met a lot of wonderful people that I could not have found anywhere else. Perhaps that's what keeps me coming back.
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Character & Roleplay Tutorials / Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
« on: November 30, 2015, 01:02:27 am »Oh, he's Dipper Pines? Lmao, well that was unexpected. That makes everything even more interesting (though I'm not super into the show).
Very well thought-out! It's a neat idea and I'm glad I know the details. I'd say he's a great character. c:
Very well thought-out! It's a neat idea and I'm glad I know the details. I'd say he's a great character. c:
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Character & Roleplay Tutorials / Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
« on: November 29, 2015, 09:37:27 pm »
Overall, I think you're quite skilled at writing as well as fleshing out characters. c: I do have a couple of minor things to point out, though.
Writing Critique
Firstly, when starting a new paragraph (including when you change speakers), you should put another space in-between them. It looks less convoluted that way.
Now, this gets a little tricky. It's definitely not correct to use only one "that" in that context. It would be correct to say, "that that was what she was asking about," but most agree that it doesn't sound too nice (I just avoided using it, ha). You could perhaps say, "... as if trying to confirm what she had just asked."
Although I pointed all of that out, I'm actually not sure why you said "as if" he were trying to confirm what she said. Is that not precisely what he was doing?
I'd reword that whole sentence to something like, "He couldn't let anyone know or even hint at him possessing any kind of weakness. He could not afford to be exploited." I recommend saying "could not" instead of "couldn't" since it puts more emphasis on the "not", as it's no casual matter to him.
Character Critique
Since the only name provided is "Alcor" (and he was once human), I have to ask if that is his true name. I can assume that it is, but then what is his last name?
I like that he clearly has a lot of flaws. That's good. However, I would further define "borderline insane" as well as how it developed over time, if possible. Insanity comes in many different forms. Does he have more positive traits or at least things he's good at, like manipulation?
He has a very interesting and unique backstory. I have no complaints about the story itself. Again, it's only minor things.
As for his powers, all seem fine except perhaps the "omnipotent sight". That's a big power to have, and when you give a character big-deal powers like that, you want to be careful. When giving a character a huge power, you should ask yourself, "Do they need this? Why? Does this give them an unfair advantage or make them too powerful?" If you find it justifiable and not too overpowered, then you should be good to go. Asking others for opinions is always a good idea, as well.
The fire power sort of stands out from the rest, and I wonder just a bit why Alcor has that power since it has nothing to do with dreams. The power in itself isn't bad or overpowered, but I just wonder why it's there.
Well, that's it! c; Feel free to ask further questions.
Writing Critique
Firstly, when starting a new paragraph (including when you change speakers), you should put another space in-between them. It looks less convoluted that way.
The comma should be removed, as "once they go to live on their own" is a dependent clause."do mortals keep in touch with their family, once they go to live on their own?"
The comma after "demon" should be a period, as it's unrelated to the dialogue. You'd use a comma if you had put something like "... to face the dream demon, answering with, -dialogue here-". I think it'd be better to put something either before or after the dialogue mentioning that Sam said it.Sam shrugged, turning away from the sniper she was pointing at the field to face the dream demon, "Yeah, most. Some people don't, though. Did you?"
Again, no comma should go after "inquired" since the following clause is dependent, so it cannot stand alone."My family?" he inquired, as if trying to confirm that was what she was asking about.
Now, this gets a little tricky. It's definitely not correct to use only one "that" in that context. It would be correct to say, "that that was what she was asking about," but most agree that it doesn't sound too nice (I just avoided using it, ha). You could perhaps say, "... as if trying to confirm what she had just asked."
Although I pointed all of that out, I'm actually not sure why you said "as if" he were trying to confirm what she said. Is that not precisely what he was doing?
Capitalize "How" since it's beginning another sentence."My family's all dead. . . how could I?"
I know for sure that there shouldn't be a comma after "hint" for the same reason I've said before. I'm not a master of grammar, but I'm fairly certain that "couldn't even hint" is dependent, as well. "Couldn't afford to be exploited" should definitely have "He" in front of it.He couldn't let anyone know, couldn't even hint, that he had any weaknesses. Couldn't afford to be exploited.
I'd reword that whole sentence to something like, "He couldn't let anyone know or even hint at him possessing any kind of weakness. He could not afford to be exploited." I recommend saying "could not" instead of "couldn't" since it puts more emphasis on the "not", as it's no casual matter to him.
No comma before the "and". Also, I found her reaction quite odd, as all of my attention would be towards the flaming demon before me. I would've probably said that Sam missed the hellhound due to being distracted at that moment, later to find that out by being notified via walkie-talkie or something. Then the two could continue to bicker, now over that matter.She turned back to the sniper, and her job, shooting a hellhound that was in the vicinity.
Character Critique
Since the only name provided is "Alcor" (and he was once human), I have to ask if that is his true name. I can assume that it is, but then what is his last name?
I like that he clearly has a lot of flaws. That's good. However, I would further define "borderline insane" as well as how it developed over time, if possible. Insanity comes in many different forms. Does he have more positive traits or at least things he's good at, like manipulation?
He has a very interesting and unique backstory. I have no complaints about the story itself. Again, it's only minor things.
How does that have the possibility to turn humans into demons in this universe? What happened to the demon? I would explain that process more. Also, "possess" has another "s" at the end.a dream demon tried to posses him without a contract, but only succeeded at making him a dream demon.
What is "the Mindscape"? I'd definitely go into more detail about that.receding into the Mindscape and away from the rest of world.
Why is he rude to adults? I can assume it's to feel less guilty so that he can eventually enter the physical world by will, but you certainly don't want people assuming details about your character.However, he is rude towards adult summoners, only making contracts for them to gain enough power one day to be in the physical world without being summoned.
No comma before the "and" unless you were to say, "and he would".became a demon, and would
As for his powers, all seem fine except perhaps the "omnipotent sight". That's a big power to have, and when you give a character big-deal powers like that, you want to be careful. When giving a character a huge power, you should ask yourself, "Do they need this? Why? Does this give them an unfair advantage or make them too powerful?" If you find it justifiable and not too overpowered, then you should be good to go. Asking others for opinions is always a good idea, as well.
The fire power sort of stands out from the rest, and I wonder just a bit why Alcor has that power since it has nothing to do with dreams. The power in itself isn't bad or overpowered, but I just wonder why it's there.
Well, that's it! c; Feel free to ask further questions.
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Character & Roleplay Tutorials / Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
« on: November 28, 2015, 01:52:43 am »We're finally open for business! -cuts ribbon before passing out from exhaustion-
But yes, I'm finally finished! Feel free to post feedback and/or some forms for me to get crackin' on!
But yes, I'm finally finished! Feel free to post feedback and/or some forms for me to get crackin' on!
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Character & Roleplay Tutorials / Re: Sparx's Ultimate Guide to Writing & Character Design + Critiques!
« on: November 28, 2015, 12:32:06 am »
Reserved spot - Just in case!
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Site/Forum Help / Re: Font Size Being Wonky
« on: November 27, 2015, 08:52:31 pm »
Ah, ok. I did that, and it's still sort of weird, but I guess that's just how this forum rolls. However, I can get it to work, at least. Thank you~