It seems like the sentences in whole are disjointed. Some are incredibly and overly long, while others are terribly short where more detail could be put into it.
I'd recommend when role playing to check if there is an even amount of commas, or you are over the limit of the normal amount within a sentence. As a poet, the flow feels off for it- something that comes from excessive reading and poem-creation.
"her tail barely brushing the ground." An example of an elongated sentence split up by an unnecessary comma. It feels like you are trying to create suspense here, but without a verb the clause is dependent and should not be on its' own.
"she sprang" An example of a clause done right. Although the clause is very short- the only two words being a subject and a verb, it is an independent clause and grammatically correct.
A few tips while you wait for your official critique.