The Demon & The Prince: Script for a comic | Critique and thoughts wanted

[ColonelHamilton]

All right. This is the start of a script for a comic, as this topic thread suggests.  I'm having trouble motivating myself to work on it, and I figured posting it here might help.

The Demon & The Prince

          CASTLE COURTYARD

          Two young men stand facing one another, swords in hand. The
          first is JULEN: a young, white, rather effeminate looking
          teenage boy whose cringing posture suggests he isn't the
          very pleased with the current situation. The second is
          DELROY: tall, black, and about the same age, and in a much
          more confident in his deportment.

                              DELROY
                    Ready?

                              JULEN
                    Y-yes.

          Delroy lunges forward. Julen barely parries Delroy's strike,
          staggering backwards. Julen pulls further away to avoid the
          second slash, but trips and falls backwards.

          He lays on the ground, eyes closed and arms pulled up to
          protect his face. The tip of Delroy's sword smacks him
          gently in the center of the forehead, and Julen opens his
          eyes.

                              DELROY
                    I love you Julen, but I have to say
                    that your performance was...not
                    very good.

          Julen sits up, massaging his forehead. He is blushing in
          embarrassment, and smiling sheepishly.

                              JULEN
                    That was rather terrible, wasn't
                    it?

                              DELROY
                    I dare not use such demeaning
                    language towards my honorable
                    prince.
                    But yes. It was.

                              JULEN
                         (As Delroy helps him to his
                         feet)
                    Oh, I'm sorry. I just-

                              DELROY
                    I know, I know. It's fine.

          Julen's expression grows more serious.

                              JULEN
                         (Examining his sword,
                         discouraged)
                    I'll never manage to wield a weapon
                    with much skill...Any skill.

                              DELROY
                    That's probably true. I doubt any
                    amount of training will chance
                    that.

                              JULEN
                    Delroy-

          Delroy puts his hands on Julen's shoulders.

                              DELROY
                    You're gentle and sweet and
                    harmless. You've always been this
                    way, and it's why I love you so
                    much.
                    Soldiery is not in your nature,
                    Julen. And you have no reason to be
                    ashamed of that.

          Julen bows his head.

                              JULEN
                    I already know that...but...

          Julen trails off, looking over Delroy's shoulder at a
          perched crow.

                              DELROY
                    What is it?

          Delroy turns and follows Julen's gaze.

                              JULEN
                    I'd swear that bird has been
                    watching us.

                              DELROY
                         (Amused)
                    Well, they are very clever animals.
                    Perhaps he is hoping for a treat.

          Julen frowns at the crow, fiddling with his fingers. The
          crow does appear to be watching them intently.

                              JULEN
                    It doesn't seem...strange to you?

                              DELROY
                         (Teasing)
                    Crows and ravens are the preferred
                    servants of demons, you know. They
                    are sent from the Black Valley to
                    spy and act as messengers.

                              JULEN
                    Is that true? Do you...Do you think
                    it could be one?

          Delroy raps his knuckles on the center of Julen's forehead,
          indicating where the sword had swatted him earlier.

                              DELROY
                    What has brought this on? Did I hit
                    you too hard before? You're being
                    very silly.

                              JULEN
                         (Pushing the hand away)
                    It struck me as unusual, that is
                    all. But-

                              BAKKAR
                    Julen.

          King Bakkar walks into the courtyard. He's a tall,
          intimidating man, with a stern expression.

          Julen and Delroy immediately step away from one another,
          bowing to their king.

                              JULEN
                    Father-

                              BAKKAR
                    If you're not going to use this
                    time for actual training, then come
                    with me.

          Julen glances guiltily back at Delroy, and follows his
          father towards the entrance to the castle.

          The crow, still perched nearby, watching the pair until they
          go inside. Once they are gone, it flies aware.

[Kyugima]

I think it is very interesting so far! I would love to see the finished product for sure.

[ColonelHamilton]

Thanks...trying to figure out what to put in the next scene. Aaarg

[ColonelHamilton]

The next part part the script. : )


          INSIDE THE CASTLE

          They walk together, Bakkar leading and Julen following
          after, having a bit of a hard time keeping up.

                              BAKKAR
                    You're taking those lessons to
                    learn proper swordsmanship, not to
                    flirt with your instructor.

                              JULEN
                         (Blushing)
                    I was not-that is-

                              BAKKAR
                    Delroy should not be sacrificing
                    his duties as a guard for nothing.
                    You will have a proper, serious
                    instructor.

                              JULEN
                    But-but Delroy is a good teacher,
                    and it helps  that we know
                    eachother so well. I really was
                    training until just before you
                    arrived. And I do not think
                    changing to new instructor could be
                    much help.

          They reach the door to their destination: a meeting room.

                              BAKKAR
                    ...No. I suppose it wouldn't.

          Julen cringes at the statement, touching the vague red mark
          on his forehead. Guards open the door to the chamber, where
          several men and women are seated around a table. They stand,
          bows are exchanged, and Bakkar and Julen take their seats.

                              COUNCILMAN A
                    The situation in Hartlayne has
                    escalated, your Majesty. A small
                    skirmish broke out.

                              BAKKAR
                    Was our Lady Alana victorious?

                              COUNCILWOMAN B
                    It seems that neither side was.

          The council woman hands Bakkar several pages of letters,
          which he scrutinises. Julen continues to watch and listen
          quietly.

                              COUNCILMAN A
                    This must be handled with care.
                    Hartlayne is a valuable town, but
                    if Lady Alana is too hasty to
                    obtain it she could draw the wrath
                    of the entire Lanhaim Kingdom down
                    on us.

                              BAKKAR
                    One of our least influential ladies
                    is clashing with one of their least
                    powerful lords over the border of a
                    modest sized piece of land. It is
                    in their interests to avoid a war
                    over triviality.

                              COUNCILWOMAN B
                    The same could be said of us.

                              BAKKAR
                    Yes, but we have greater spirit.
                    Apply the correct amount of
                    pressure to the correct places, and
                    Hartlayne will be ours without any
                    escalation.

                              COUNCILWOMAN B
                    A dangerous game, but such a
                    strategic spot on the White River
                    might be worth a bit of risk.

                              COUNCILMAN A
                    If the worst happens, we can
                    distance ourselves from Lady Alana
                    and let the chips fall where they
                    may.

                              BAKKAR
                    Julen.

          Julen looks at his father, startled.

                              BAKKAR
                    Tell us your thoughts.

          Julen squirms in his seat, reluctant.

                              JULEN
                    ...I suppose...It just seems
                    that...

                              BAKKAR
                    Well?

                              JULEN
                    Hartlayne does belong to Lanhaim,
                    does it not?

          The only response is blank stares.

                              JULEN
                    Of course, I may be recalling my
                    geography and history incorrectly.
                    It is an area in dispute. But...if
                    they do have it now, it seems, to
                    me, that it might be better to
                    leave it be. Leading men to perhaps
                    die in battle over a small-

                              BAKKAR
                    Enough.

          Bakkar outshis hand to his forehead, radiating displeasure.
          All over the council members look away from the scene,
          uncomfortable. Julen stares intently down at the floor.

                              BAKKAR
                    This meeting is over for today.

          The council members get up, pay their respects, and exist
          the room, leaving Julen and his father alone.

                              BAKKAR
                    Do you know what happened to your
                    step-mother last night?

                              JULEN
                    She said that she'd been ill?

                              BAKKAR
                    A miscarriage.

                              JULEN
                    What?! I-I had no idea that she
                    was-

                              BAKKAR
                    Kyra chose to keep it secret from
                    all but me and the physicians. Gods
                    know she did not want to endure
                    losing a child before all the eyes
                    of the kingdom. Again.

          Julen's eyes are suffused with tears, while Bakkar is tense
          with barely controlled emotion. Uncertain, Julen reaches out
          a hand to put on his father's shoulder, but Bakkar bats it
          away and gets to his feet. He paces back and forth as he
          speaks.

                              BAKKAR
                    I am not telling you this because I
                    need comfort. Not that type of
                    comfort.
                    You know what this means, don't
                    you?

          He pauses and looks at Julen, half expecting a response, but
          Julen does not know what to say.

                              BAKKAR
                    It means that it is almost certain
                    that you will be and my only heir.
                    As much as I wish it not to be so,
                    it is unlikely to the extreme that
                    Kyra will bare a healthy child.
                    And you, the one who will be
                    entrusted with the entire kingdom
                    after my death, are utterly unfit
                    for the task.

          Julen looks away, tears beginning to gather at the corner of
          his eyes.

                              BAKKAR
                    Look at me when I talk to you.

          Julen does so, reluctantly.

                              BAKKAR
                    I am entirely serious when I say I
                    have seen children half your age
                    with twice as much courage and
                    decisiveness. The life of a king is
                    a life of a warrior. A leader. You
                    are more suited to the occupation
                    of nursemaid.
                    Gods know how you got this way.
                    Perhaps it is my own fault. I left
                    you to your mother, who taught you
                    this excessive softness.

          Julen cries, covering his face with his hands.

                              BAKKAR
                    I am at my wit's end with you! No
                    more weeping.

          Bakkar grabs Julen by his arms and drags the startled boy to
          his feet.

                              BAKKAR
                    You're going to be a king! Act like
                    one!

          Bakkar gives Julen several furious shakes, and shoves him
          away and onto the floor.

          Julen sits there for a moment, shocked and miserable. Then,
          he gets to his feet and flees the room.

          Bakkar sighs and sinks into his chair.

          KING'S CHAMBERS

          Still tense from his previous altercation, Bakkar returns to
          his chambers. Queen Kyra is lying across the bed, an arm
          over her eyes. Bakkar goes to her, sitting on the edge of
          the bed.

                              BAKKAR
                    How are you feeling?

          Kyra removes her arm to look at him. She appears drained,
          but calm.

                              KYRA
                    Just tired.

                              BAKKAR
                    Do you need anything?

                              KYRA
                    No, nothing. I just need to rest
                    here a little while longer.

                              BAKKAR
                    Of course.

          Bakkar stands.

                              BAKKAR
                    I will be in my study, if you need
                    anything.

                              KYRA
                    Bakkar?

                              BAKKAR
                    Yes?

                              KYRA
                    I'm sorry.

          Bakkar hesitates, then walks to the door of his private
          study. He reaches for the doorknob, but stop short. Strange
          rustling noises are coming from within. He frowns.

                              BAKKAR
                    Is the study being cleaned? I told
                    the servants not to without asking.

          Kyra sits up.

                              KYRA
                    No. No one has been in there.

          Bakkar readies himself, takes a deep breath, and throws open
          the door.

                              BAKKAR
                    Who's-?!

          A small, dark shape flies out of the open window, just as
          Bakkar enters. There is no one in the room.

          Sitting on the center of Bakkar's desk is a a letter. The
          wax seal depicts a pair of ram horns and protruding from a
          crown. Next to it is a single black feather.

[Wildchild]

I like it, very interesting, just ine question: Are Julen and Delroy actually in love?

[ColonelHamilton]

Sorta. They're very good friends that have developed stronger feelings for one another over time. They've got crushes on one another, and they've exchanged a few chaste kisses, but they are not lovers. Their respective positions in life make an actual relationship impractical.

[Wildchild]

I see, again very interesting, good job! Also, from what you've wrote, Julens father seems to be quite aware of their feelings for one another, how does he feel about this? The comment he made about Julen flirting made me think that he would prefer it if Julen didn't have feelings for Delroy, however eh has accepted it

[ColonelHamilton]

Bakkar doesn't really care about Julen's relationship with Delroy. He was more annoyed that Julen seemed not to be taking his training seriously than anything else.  However, he knows that there is no chance of the pair having a formalized, settled relationship, because Julen is going to have to marry for political reasons. He thinks that by indulging in romantic feelings for Delroy, Julen is setting himself up for some serious future disappointment.

[Wildchild]

Ah I see, very good, please continue with this!

[RavenShai]

I am really getting into the story. Julen's personality makes the story more unique and more interesting to read, in other words its not so cliche.
Its still in the beginning, but I'm already getting hooked. Very interested in the raven (though that could just be me 8D) and what it has to do with all of this. Can't wait to read more!