Author Topic: The Amulet's Curse chapter one (Enjoy! :D)  (Read 1939 times)

Offline whitesnow

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The Amulet's Curse chapter one (Enjoy! :D)
« on: October 20, 2012, 08:29:28 pm »
Everything was silent as the conifer trees blowed in the breeze.  A grey angel she-wolf sat in the meadow,her blue eyes gleaming in the moonlight. The wolf's amulet jingled as wind activated it. "Activate you piece of junk!"  she pawed at it. The glow started to shine brighter as the grey wolf smiled, howled to the moon as the amulet shone into the night. "Well Vesperia," she said to herself. "After centuries you finally got that thing to work!" Now I can go to Crystal Haven and see my family!

Yup! It's done for now what's happening basically is that Vesperia the angel wolf is stuck in the middle of nowhere and tries to fiind her way home.  Hope you like it and tell me what i need to improve on :)

Offline Zaroque

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Re: The Amulet's Curse chapter one (Enjoy! :D)
« Reply #1 on: October 20, 2012, 08:33:21 pm »
/sawyourpost/
Very sweet, angela! I did like the 'Activate you piece of junk!'
~ Z A R O Q U E ~
jaaaeeger
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Offline whitesnow

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Re: The Amulet's Curse chapter one (Enjoy! :D)
« Reply #2 on: October 20, 2012, 08:47:13 pm »
This is actually my first time posting a story on FH XD Quite good for the first time :3 Thank you!

Offline Haruki

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Re: The Amulet's Curse chapter one (Enjoy! :D)
« Reply #3 on: October 20, 2012, 09:18:36 pm »
Well, it's quite short and sweet. I like the cliche of wind and glowing blue eyes.

Some critique I could offer:

-This was very, very vague. Try to include more detail to the setting.

-I'm not even quite sure what position the narrator takes. Is this limited third person or omniscient? To show this, a few of the characters thoughts and feelings could be included. I understand full revealing of this is impossible in such a short time, but it could be referenced in other characters being mentioned, or of the protagonist thinking about them

-As a reader, I am very confused as to what is happening. You could reveal the protagonist's memories through thoughts, descriptions of the setting, even wounds on the body.

-The amulet is clearly a very important piece to the story, but as a reader, it isn't revealed at all what it does. What is the protagonist's feeling towards it? Author's attitude? Why is this piece an important symbolic or important motif? Bonus points for developing a theme using the amulet later in the story.

-Something to add about the set up of the thread not really relating to the story: As you fill up this post, you may want to add another sequential one. Maybe next time, saving a space would benefit you.

-You contradict yourself when the amulet is activated by the wind, but the character commands it to activate as though it hadn't already. Perhaps switch those two, or delete the former.


Those are just a few thoughts to get you started. I think you have some good bones, a theme, and a start for a character. Just keep working on it. c:

« Last Edit: October 20, 2012, 09:20:13 pm by Haruki »


Offline whitesnow

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Re: The Amulet's Curse chapter one (Enjoy! :D)
« Reply #4 on: October 20, 2012, 11:48:03 pm »
Vesperia activates it by herself when she's  thinking happy or when she has her angel sister's soul inside it. (It's a LONG STORY) Her parents died because demon wolves killed them and destroyed her home. Her sister's soul remains in the amulet and it has the powers that can control time She's immortal and feeds off of souls. (Because of her dark side,Demonica)

Erm... She sounds like a mary-sue though but i'll improve on her and the story

Offline Haruki

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Re: The Amulet's Curse chapter one (Enjoy! :D)
« Reply #5 on: October 21, 2012, 12:07:47 am »
That's a great background detail. I'd love to hear all of it in the " The Amulet's Curse" (even the entire long story ;3) It would give some depth to the story. It's all very crucial to the reader's understanding.

If you are worried about your character being tagged as a mary-sue, maybe check out this thread: http://redsnowfox.deviantart.com/art/OC-Mary-Sue-Test-2-1-193526812


Offline whitesnow

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Re: The Amulet's Curse chapter one (Enjoy! :D)
« Reply #6 on: October 21, 2012, 12:54:02 am »
Thanks Haruki :)

Offline Haruki

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Re: The Amulet's Curse chapter one (Enjoy! :D)
« Reply #7 on: October 21, 2012, 01:05:54 am »
Of course, angela. I'm always willing to help any new writer. I understand how difficult it can be at first.

If you have any other questions, don't hesitate to PM me. ^^