If I will be honest I did catch this thread earlier on the boards, I read through it all, I tried to take these things in that was written, and it hit close to home in such a way that I didn't even know how to respond to the things said. Many feelings at once, seeing all of these posts that speak so well for me, almost so it gets to a point where I don't know who I am or should be. But to see you lots jump in and say these things means a great deal to me, no matter if I know you more or less on a personal level. That what I do means something to you. It will be hard to get through a proper reply without sounding cheesy, but I just want to put it out and show why a simple thank you will not suffice, and not just reply to people that want to give me a pat on the shoulder, but also people that don't want to see me here.
Ever since this place, site and game took off I ended up making it my one and only purpose. I have been through graduation, I have been through lots of different moves, life happenings, several different jobs and even problems that when I look back on it now, really could've used more of my time and attention. I have declined what I'd consider opportunities and time to be here, here to just be a reliability, a reliability for staff, for the users, or even the game and community if it so calls for it. I have been through some communities in the past before our paws hit soil here, and I knew that if people expect something from me or my name in a position to do or say something, I wanted to make sure that I showed them that I am here to stay and do whatever I can to put an example for people to look up to(Or look down upon if that's your cup of tea). Many of us here know that beyond the pixels, beyond a site and forum or codes that make up a game with Felines and Canines we have something more. We have an escape, a second home or just great entertainment. Many of us hold a game like FeralHeart so close, and we would feel empty if it wasn't there. I feel a great responsibility for this game and it's players that follow, not just that I have a fancy title I can use for my benefit. I need to take actions for more than just myself to ensure that what we have and works, stays there and keep on working, even if it means doing something users will not understand or like at a certain point in time.
Knowing this responsibility and valuing the game so high is one of the reasons why it's hard to let go and just walk away, not knowing what would happen and knowing you weren't there to do something. I always wanted to be "there", and I took up more responsibilities than I probably should've, bit off more than I could chew. To this day a lot of people think I made this place or game, or that I am the one that can change the game in a flick of a finger, but it's far away from the truth, it's a product of me stepping forward in times of need so people had someone to to turn to or question when there was no one to be seen and a lot of question marks about this site and game lingering in the air. I wanted to answer or at the very least reply to it all, but I'm not certain it has had the best of impacts on the bigger scale in the longer run. I have been naive, thinking that I could change the "world", but in all honesty some days I feel like the world changed me. I'm getting older and worried that I will not be able to be here as much as I've used to, I'm worried that I will not be able to help the game in the ways it's needed and that it will just be another community to disappear off the map. I just want the best for the game, I want people to read this, I want them to understand this even if I am that annoying person that told you off for breaking "odd" game rules or that I lack coding expertise or artist skills. I choose management and a wide field of interest that keeps me sane and something that gets me up in the morning. I just want to be happy with what I do, and I know there's probably a lot more than me that knows it's not the easiest thing, to be happy with one self especially when there's a lot on stake, like peoples second home, like your name or even your future.
I am not perfect, and I'm no saint. But I just want to be something I can look back on and be proud of, if that happens to not be what others want in their admin I cannot say more than sorry, and that I just did what I thought was right and needed in order to keep things rolling. This is not my game, and just to make it clear, I never tried to make it so. I am just another administrator that has had the chance to make things lean a certain way. I take pride in my work and if no one would believe in what I do, and I wouldn't have gotten the great support from certain people over the years, even like the things mentioned in earlier posts in this very thread, you wouldn't see me here posting today. In the heat of the moment many people forget or push away why many of the staff really is here and the hard work and time that goes into a game like FeralHeart, that it is something that just will not take care of itself, and that we're human too. FeralHeart has been a golden opportunity for me to make a difference, to hone my English, to learn something new, understand people and climb mental mountains. I just want to be someone people will remember and will look up to really, even when my time here passes by. To be the little lion figure they'll remember when maybe they're running a community, moderating a site or game or just stand firm with something they believe in.
Thank you guys for all of this, it means more than you can imagine.
