This has been haunting me since I ever remember being alive. Honestly this has gotten worse for me in the past years. The only family I have is my mother, she is much older... Other people my age brag about their thirty year old parents (Yeah right, is that even possible) and I'm just here like, my mother is sixty. My mother. Is sixty. Honestly I've gotten it in my head that I need to prove my worth to her... I've messed up so bad with her. I don't think any of my friends will remember me at all... That's another thing I regret. I can see them all being washed up nobodies, why didn't I pick mature brainy people, maybe something would have washed onto me. Maybe I would have been associated with them when they made the big time. Another dumb thing I realized in my life, what's the point of dating? I feel like we are pressured into it. (Years in the past didn't we pick our mates based on height, strength, and the size of their hips and breasts? You know... in order to have desirable offspring. It's like a meat farm, breed the best animals in order to produce the best offspring. Take your star male and mate him with every female and take out the scrawny runts.) I know the whole point of life, reproduce, and die. But I can't do it. I've dated but I can't... Um... I don't FEEL the need to reproduce or have my own family. It's just really depressing, I can't even keep a girl for more than month without her thinking I'm cheating on her or just ignoring her. Sorry for not texting you every five minutes and showering you with affection? I'm sorry, I quit, I don't need to put myself through this. I'm not even really attracted to anyone so I already failed life right there. (My mother has recently been dropping hints I guess because she is disappointed in my dating antics. She's been "sighing" and saying how sad it is she will never have grandchildren. I KNOW IT'S DIRECTED AT ME SINCE I'M HER ONLY CHILD LEFT AND I WANT IT TO STOP. I'm not even that age yet and every time she does this I feel crushed and like I'm nothing but a disappointment to her. It's my body... I'm not a female but still I would think it applies in this situation.) So I guess my only chance to prove the worth of my life is giving my body back to the environment... but when? It's driving me crazy. Every-night I'm afraid to go to sleep because I can't turn off my mind and stop thinking these thoughts. This morning I felt something new, interesting, and different .. I just felt like passing on my belongings to my friends, important things that I have collected over my life. My collections, anything I feel might hold some worth for someone else. I guess I feel like I will be remembered this way? It could work... Fifty years time they might find something I gave them and they might just... remember me? Then I have a chance to exist within a different time, and if their child gets my passed on belonging then I'll get to live even longer. It's a hit or miss. This morning I also suddenly felt rushed to die. I'm obsessed with dying before my mother. It just isn't fair, I wish my mother would come up to me and say "Hey sup, by the way you're adopted and I have a secret loving family with a husband and children". I would feel so much better. She could live with them and I'll just be the shell I feel like. Last April we lost my younger brother, everything is on me now. If he was here... would I feel different? I know my mother would different, so honestly, I would too. Everything would be different. Life would probably be so good I would start to wonder if I'm secretly caught in some optimistic sitcom. I don't blame anything on my brother though. Here I am, I take care of my mother and I'm secretly tired of doing housework. I feel like maid or some live-in nurse. Please let me leave, let me go far away. Please, send me to a different country. I don't care where. I don't even feel love from these people or feel love for these people. Well, besides my mother and late brother. But my mother has changed and right now my only purpose is to serve her. I don't do it cause I'm forced to, but she's my family. I owe her something for taking time from her life. I would hate to break it to her that she spent her life raising a shell. (That would be me.) Despite all this I want a real purpose in life... but I can't think of anything. Important.
I hope I didn't offend anyone.
Usually I don't let things out like this and rant giant clumps of text.
(I couldn't get this out any other way, I'm REALLY sorry because I know how annoying it is to read.)
Please, take nothing to heart.
That's directed at everyone.
Also I feel a little better, thank you ~Thyme~.